Dysthymia
by letirreis
Summary: What is it like when all you see is grey? JJ centered. AU, kind of...
1. Chapter 1

**AN: What? I still have to update Scars of the Past and Dark Horse and I'm going to start another fic? What about the sequel for Never Forget? I know, I know. I'm working on it. At least you guys know that I am not dead o/**

 **Dysthymia**

 _noun_ _dys·thy·mia_ _\dis-ˈthī-mē-ə\_

 _A mood disorder characterized by chronic mildly depressed or irritable mood often accompanied by other symptoms (as eating and sleeping disturbances, fatigue, and poor self-esteem) —called also dysthymic disorder_

 **1\. An overview.**

JJ was unaware of her surroundings when it happened. She knew she was a little slower the past few weeks; not slow, just slower. She also knew that her teammates hadn't noticed anything wrong, but the thing is: _she_ knew it. And it bothered her.

Maybe the only one who noticed something was wrong was Emily, but that was because the older woman could read her in a way that nobody else could. But still, maybe she knew that something was not right, but she didn't know exactly what was wrong. And, to be honest, JJ hoped that she never would.

Of course, all of this went through her head in a split of second, because that was the time it took from the moment she felt something collide with her head from behind, to the moment she realized that the unsub they were chasing in this horrendous place was underneath her, holding her tight on top of him through a well-placed arm wrench to her neck. He could have been a skilled UFC fighter if he hadn't become a serial killer.

She didn't notice her team gathering around them, nor did she hear the negotiations that were taking place. As the lack of air was slowly taking over her, she found herself more and more detached from reality. But at that moment, hanging on by a thread, she felt almost betrayed when she discovered that one thing people always said was a lie: she did not see her whole life flash before her eyes in a split of second. No, what she saw was even more discomforting. _She saw what_ _ **didn't**_ _happen in her life yet. She saw what could have been._

And that was even more terrifying. You could feel sorry for your life if you remembered everything that you've been through, yes, but it hurt even more when you thought about everything that you wouldn't have the chance to experience.

Maybe that was a subconscious way to keep fighting when your life was slipping away. A clever one, to be honest. But for Jennifer Jareau, this was useless. Because her life meant nothing. And even if she survived this, there was no way she could live all the things that she was seeing, dreaming about. Because _she_ was worthless.

And so, with the irony of the situation dawning on her, the thing that was meant to make her fight harder to live made her want to give up. Because she would never be happy like that. And once she experienced vividly those wonderful, strong and _made up_ moments, she couldn't accept going back to her miserable life anymore.

So she just gave up.


	2. 21 Sadness, emptiness or feeling down

**AN: Thank you very much, all of you!**

 **2\. Symptoms**

 **2.1 Sadness, emptiness or feeling down.**

"I'm fine, Emily. You don't have to do this, really…" JJ said with a hoarse voice. The doctor told her that her voice box was damaged during her assault and she would have some trouble speaking and eating for the next few days.

"Jay, what did the doctor told you? No speaking, okay? And since you can't use your pretty voice, you can't argue with me. I'm staying with you for the weekend. End of story." Emily answered, locking her car and carrying their go-bags inside JJ's house.

JJ sighed as she opened the door and waited for Emily to come in. "I don't want to bother you…" she started, but was immediately interrupted by the older woman.

"Jennifer! Shush! You're not bothering me; I want to stay here, okay?" Emily said more forcefully. But when she saw that JJ was about to protest again, she sighed and said in a lower tone. "Jay… you are my best friend. And when I saw you there on the ground, not moving, not breathing I thought that… please, just let me stay here with you"

JJ looked into brown eyes and, seeing a rare and unguarded Emily, couldn't argue with that. She was one of the only people that were allowed to see Emily with all her walls down and she couldn't hurt her. So she just smiled and nudged her with her elbow.

Emily, then, gave her one of her best smiles. "Yes, you do not have permission to talk, that's right. I bought ice cream, chocolates and we have a lot of movies to catch up on Netflix."

And as Emily went to the kitchen to get things ready, JJ felt an unexpected need to cry. She knew that Emily was just worried about her, but all she wanted to do at the moment was just lie down and sleep and try to forget about everything. She wanted to forget that after everything, she was still here. _Breathing._

"Actually, Em, if you don't mind I think I will just go to bed…" she said, looking intently at the floor. When she noticed Emily hesitating, she started biting the corner of her mouth nervously.

"Of course! You must be very tired, go I will just get ready here on the couch…" Emily said moving closer to her and giving her a squeeze on the shoulders.

"No, that's not… come on, Em. When you're ready, just come to my bedroom, we've shared a bed countless times, I won't let you sleep on the couch" JJ said and went to the bedroom.

"I just hope that you won't snore this time" Emily retorted with a laugh, when the blonde couldn't hear her anymore.

As she lay down to sleep, she felt the weight of the world suffocating her. Her head was spinning and she didn't know what to do. For a moment, laying there on the ground, she felt… _relieved,_ in a way that she didn't feel in a long time. But the next day she would still wake up, she would still be alone and there would still be endless stacks of paperwork when she got back to her work. _And my life will never be like that…_

She heard the door open and a few seconds later, she felt Emily lying right next to her. There was a moment in which the air seemed so thick that she could almost grasp it with her hands. Emily knew she was awake, she always knew.

After a few moments of silence, JJ allowed the first tears escape her eyes. She felt she was suffocating and there was so much that she needed to say, but the words just disappeared in her throat and she had to take a deep breath to control herself.

"Jen…" Emily whispered beside her. "He can't hurt you anymore. He is locked away and you are fine now." JJ shook her head. She had no idea…

Then, she felt Emily slip one arm behind her and pull her gently to an embrace. "It's okay, you can let go. It's just you and me here, and I am me, Emily, your friend. I'm always here with you."

And so JJ cried. She cried for everything that happened, she cried for having such an amazing friend like Emily when she knew she was going to disappoint her but, mainly, she cried because she wasn't exactly feeling anything.

She was empty.

But nobody knew that, not even Emily.

She was utterly alone.


	3. 22 Loss of interest in daily activities

**2.2 Loss of interest in daily activities.**

JJ woke up at 10am and sighed. This was the last day of her medical leave, but she wasn't ready to go back to work. In fact, all she wanted to do was sleep and be quiet for a really long time. So she turned away and closed her eyes again.

* * *

She woke up again with her stomach growling. Her alarm said it was 1:13PM. She got up slowly from her bed and went to the bathroom, feeling like there was a huge weight on her back.

She splashed some cold water on her face and went to the kitchen, looking for something to eat. She opened the refrigerator and stared at the empty bottles of water. There was nothing she could eat. She had to do some groceries.

Looking out the window, she saw the sun shining up the sky. It wasn't a hot day, but it wasn't cold either. It was perfect for a walk.

But eating could wait.

She didn't want to leave her house.

If she slept more, she wouldn't be aware of her stomach growling.

* * *

She ended up ordering some food when she woke up again. Thank God for apps. She paid for it online, for she didn't want any interactions with people.

At the moment, the TV was on, but she wasn't watching. Her food had become cold, but once in a while she would still eat it absent minded.

She should go do the dishes, but there was a little bug that was at the same spot on the ground for hours, just like her.

Maybe it was sleeping. Maybe it was injured.

Maybe it was dead.

 _Just like her._


End file.
